Are jealousy and love the same thing?

It can be tempting to think of jealousy and love as being interwoven. Think about it, if someone didn’t love you, why would they be jealous? Isn’t the opposite of love indifference? However, the relationship between jealousy and love is complicated. Let’s discuss the definition of jealousy and love and whether or not they are as related as many people seem to think they are.

In short, no, jealousy and love are not the same things. You can exhibit signs of jealousy over someone you do not love, and sometimes there is love entirely devoid of jealousy. Let’s look at this further.

What is jealousy?

Jealousy is an intense feeling of insecurity or fear over another person.

Jealousy is:

• Wanting to control what another person does, who they talk to, how they interact with others.
• Wanting another person’s time, attention, and focus.
• Concern over another person’s loyalty.
• Anger or frustration at perceiving another person to be distracted or disloyal.

Is jealousy bad?

The role of jealousy in relationships is a controversial one. Some people think it’s entirely acceptable to be jealous of the person you love, and some even believe that it’s a mandatory feature of a relationship. If you love someone, why wouldn’t you be jealous of them?

Cultural and religious jealousy

This also has an enormous cultural element to it as well. Jealousy in Arab cultures is way more acceptable and expected than in western cultures. Jealousy in western cultures is perceived as being controlling, manipulative, and potentially abusive. Rarely is jealousy a positive characteristic in a partner in western cultures, though the opposite (disinterest, lack of concern) is also not desirable either.

In Islam, there is an acceptable form of jealousy called Ghayrah غَيْرَة which basically means a sort of protective concern for your partner’s wellbeing, a desire for them to be safe or not to be “shared” with others. It’s jealousy, but not the toxic and dangerous jealousy that we typically associate with the word. That being said, like all things, it can be misused or mistranslated to excuse away abusive or unhealthy relationship behaviors.

Are jealousy and love connected?

A big misconception that many people experience, particularly in cross-cultural relationships, is the idea that jealousy and love are interwoven. They think you cannot have jealousy without love, and that if someone is exhibiting controlling behavior over you, they must love you. I do not believe this to be accurate at all, however. I’ve seen many instances where highly jealous partners do not necessarily love the person they are with. Let me give you an example.

Say you have a car. It’s kind of a crappy car; it’s not very nice, not very new, doesn’t run very well. You are using the car and it works for now, but you have absolutely no intentions of keeping this car longer than you have to, and you’re doing everything you can to save up enough money for a nicer, better car.

Do you love this car? No. You’d prefer a different car in a heartbeat. But, do you want somebody else to steal it? Do you want somebody else to damage it, dent it, destroy it? Absolutely not. You’d be furious.

Relationships can be exactly like this. You may not necessarily love the other person, but you can still have a sense of ownership and control over that person. If your partner is exhibiting signs of jealousy, this is not an overflow of feelings of love and affection. This could just be the manifestation of somebody with control, insecurity, and anger problems.

An example of jealousy and love not being connected

I have a friend. She dated a man and lived with him for about a year before she found out that he was cheating. When she found out, she became distraught (understandably). He begged her not to leave him, said he was sorry, came up with a million excuses and reasons why he did it, and promised he’d never do it again.

She told him she would consider staying with him and working it out if they could come up with some sort of solution to re-establish trust. Another thing she offered was an open relationship, where each person could date who they wanted and be completely open and honest about it. The man became irate, insisted that he would never stand for her going on dates or being with anybody else. He exhibited signs of classic jealousy, but he had been completely unfaithful.

This goes back to the point that jealousy does not equal love. You can be controlling, obsessive, and manipulative, even over somebody you don’t particularly love. So, if you’re with somebody, and they use their jealous nature as justification for love when other signs are not indicating that they love you, don’t take that as more than it is: controlling and selfish.

Is jealousy selfishness?

Many people associate jealous feelings with a sense of selfishness because you’re putting your feelings of insecurity and fear over the comfort and trust of your partner. I tend to think it’s a little bit more nuanced than that, especially when it comes to cultural considerations. I think that jealousy is taught in certain cultures as part of love, so it’s not entirely fair to accuse them of selfishness in that sense.

However, there has to be a middle ground. There has to be a reasonable sense of trust and love mixed with concern. If your partner is making you feel miserable with their jealousy or is controlling you past the point of comfort, that isn’t a supportive partner.

Conclusion

While shades of jealousy are part of many, many relationships, how this jealousy manifests itself will determine if it’s a healthy concern (like Ghayrah الغَيْرَةِ) or toxic manipulation, and jealousy alone is not an adequate indicator of romantic feelings or love.