Why long distance relationships don’t work (+ 5 ways to improve)

Before we got married and I moved to Morocco, my husband and I were in a long distance relationship for almost a year. Long distance is really hard, especially as the foundation of a relationship. We want to look at how long distance relationships work, why long distance relationships don’t work for many people, and what to do to keep your long distance relationship strong.

Reasons why long distance relationships don’t work

As somebody who has been in multiple long-distance relationships, I have some ideas about why long distance relationships don’t work. A big part of it is that a relationship isn’t just based on common interests and hobbies, or shared sense of humor, or a favorite Netflix show. What initially attracts you to a person is not necessarily the thing that will make a relationship successful or not.

Relationships are built based on shared experiences and history. When you’re in a long distance relationship, it really prevents you from making a lot of those memories because your connection is so conversation-focus, not activity-focused.

Think about the time you spend with your close friends. How much of that time is spent reminiscing, laughing about inside jokes, and reflecting on your shared history together? Even when you don’t realize it, a lot of your relationships are spent reflecting and enjoying those times you’ve had together. You build trust and intimacy in relationships through having experienced the world side-by-side.

When your relationship is primarily online, over the phone, or texting, it builds up a false sense of intimacy. Sure, you may have talked about your deepest, darkest fears. But, have you been to a carnival together? Have you seen concerts together? Do you know how they react to the world around them because you observed it? How do they treat waiters, the elderly, children, animals? Are they kind to people who don’t benefit them? Or are you building up the idea of a person based on how they perceive themselves, not how you observe them to be?

Anyone can be anyone behind a screen

Another reason why long distance relationships don’t work is that it’s challenging to get an idea of a person’s character in short snippets of time or over a controlled environment like texting. You can be anybody behind a screen. I’ve known people who spoke for years before they met in person, and the person they met was entirely different from the way they presented themselves online or over the phone.

Why is this? Well, because we want to put our best foot forward. We don’t want to seem annoying, rude, condescending, or un-generous. You can present yourself as a gracious, kind person in a controlled environment (like a video call or a text message). But what about when your character is called into question with a stressful situation, or you’ve observed to be interacting with somebody who doesn’t paint you in the best light?

Reasons why long distance relationships don’t work

The main thing that kills a long distance relationship is a lack of curiosity and interest in the other person. Suppose you don’t maintain a sense of deep curiosity about how they live their life, how they interact with the world, who their closest relationships are, what they value and find fascinating. In that case, your relationship is going to fizzle out.

But arguably, even more than that, I think a lack of exit plan kills a relationship. You need to be able to know that there’s an end in sight for the long distance, or it’s impossible to maintain. There are couples who can successfully maintain a long distance relationship for many years, and I even know some personally.

But I think for the majority of people, it’s far too challenging to maintain that level of distant intimacy for very long. Knowing that there will be an end to the distance is essential in maintaining the momentum and excitement about the relationship.

I truly believe that relationships are meant to be lived together, and it put so much unnecessary strain on a relationship when the couple can’t be together in person. Even amazing relationships can’t weather that much distance forever. I know that I personally struggled a lot, which is why I ended up moving here to Morocco.

How to counteract the reasons why long distance relationships don’t work

So we know that long distance relationships are hard, but what can we do about it? Despite the distance, these are our top five tips to keep a relationship strong.

1. Visit as often as you can – maybe this is a cheat, but in order to maintain a relationship despite the distance, I think it’s important to see each other as frequently as possible. Even if it’s just for a weekend, or a couple days, having that time together to look forward to is crucial.
2. Find ways to show you are thinking about them – this is easier than ever thanks to the ubiquity of smart phones in the Internet, but sending a note or a message or an email, telling your partner how much you love and appreciate them, even when it’s not expected, will do wonders for your connection.
3. Find ways to “do” things together – again, thanks to the Internet, nowadays you can actually do things with your partner even if you’re far apart. Video games, reading books together, watching movies, participating in activities together has never been easier. When we were still in a long-distance relationship, my husband and I would play an online video game together, or watch movies together, or read to one another. Anything where we could spend time with each other that wasn’t just staring at each other and a video call.
4. Have your own life outside of your partner – this may seem like a weird thing to include in an article about why long distance relationships don’t work, but I really do believe that part of having a successful long-distance relationship is maintaining your own personal life outside of your partner. It can be really hard to find things to talk about, when all you do is work, sleep, and talk to your partner. What is there to talk about? Keep up your hobbies, maintain relationships with your friends, get out in the community, and then come back to each other with stories to tell and anecdotes to share. Puts a lot of pressure on the relationship when there is a lot going on, there isn’t much to talk about, and you start to feel bored of each other but it’s more because you’re bored of your own life.
5. Know your partner’s love language – we all get our needs met differently. Some of us need compliments and words of affirmation, some of us need quality time. Resonates with your partner is essential for maintaining the relationship across a significant distance. If you know that it’s important for your partner to be validated, putting in extra effort to send a message or remind them of how much you value them can make or break the long distance relationship.

Signs your long-distance relationship is working

Now that we know why long distance relationships don’t work sometimes, how do you know that your long-distance relationship is working? Ultimately it boils down to, are you getting your needs met? Does the relationship build you up more than it takes from you? Are both you and your partner closer than before you started your long-distance relationship?

If you find yourself building up resentment towards the person, dreading hearing their voice, or losing excitement about the relationship, it might be worth evaluating if a long-distance relationship is actually working. I’m of the opinion that not everybody who loves each other should be in a relationship. Love is only one part of a relationship. There are a million different logistical issues that go into compatibility. Not just distant either other factors can include, the desire to have children or not, where you want to live, and your goals in life will all determine if you are compatible.

Sometimes you can truly love somebody, and they’re just not your person. You can love them and want the best for them, which sometimes means ending the relationship. That doesn’t mean you have to and forever, but if you feel like the distance it’s just too hard to maintain call mom sometimes it’s worth taking a break and reevaluating to come back later and discuss.

Do long-distance relationships ever work out?

I mean, ours did! I know plenty of people who have had successful long-term relationships and eventually closed the gap to be together. Some have waited months, some have waited years, some are still waiting but the relationship is doing well. Ours isn’t the only one. According to this article, approximately 58% of long-distance relationships work out.

Statistics aren’t really that reassuring though, to be honest. Every relationship is so remarkably different, that someday statistic doesn’t really mean a whole lot. I personally believe that long distance relationships do have their share of hurdles, but I also believe that level of intimacy can be achieved through long distance relationships that not even in personal relationships can achieve.

What do I mean by that? Think about it. When you’re in person, it’s so easy to insulate yourself from actually getting to know the person. I dated people for months and all we really did was activities, Smalltalk, and going out with friends that we never really got to know each other. When you’re long distance, all you really have is your character. All you really have is your personality. You have to connect with the person on a much deeper level in order for the relationship to go anywhere.

I kew my husband better than I knew anybody when we were long distance. I knew every single thing about his entire life, before we even physically met. I think that sort of closeness would take years, not months, if we were in person.

Why long distance relationships don’t work – conclusion

While it’s true that many long distance relationships don’t end up working out, that doesn’t necessarily have to be the case. If you’re intentional about your relationship, communicating consistently with your partner, making efforts to reunite eventually, and staying curious about each other’s lives, I think you can maintain a successful long distance relationship.

What are your thoughts on why long distance relationships don’t work? Let us know!